this post is also idiotically picture-heavy and its all dumb robots . im so sorry, im genuinely so so so sorry
so there was a king w/ three SLAMMIN daughters, tho the youngest daughter was the prettiest because the youngest child is always the most good looking (can u tell that im the baby of the family yet)
her name was psyche, and she was so flippin hot that people stopped worshiping venus, the actual goddess of love and sex and all that (i did a presentation on her in art history - apparently during ceremonies in her honor, there were like. certain priestess ladies or whoever that, if u had sex with them, u were worshiping venus. pretty doggone sweet, i must say. aint nothin wrong w/ a lil bump n grind if it means ur praying. bless the dark gods)
venus got jelly and told her son cupid to make psyche fall in love with me - i mean, an awful monster
however, cupid done goofed and ''''accidentally'''' pricked himself w/ his own arrow and fell in love with psyche himself. wow. dang . funny how that sort of thing happens right ?? ur tasked w/ making a hot ass lady fall in love with a terrible monster and WELL SHUCKS ur hand just. slips and u end up fallin for her instead . lifes kinda funny sometimes
for whatever frickin reason, in spite of bein drop-dead boner-sparking smash-the-puss hot, no one wanted to marry psyche . her parents, being understandably confused, asked the magic 8 ball of ancient times (an oracle is what i mean) what the deal was, and the magic 8 ball told them psyche was supposed to marry a monster. so what do her parents do?
DUMP HER SINGLE ASS ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN, THATS WHAT
i mean. of course. that makes total sense .
though um
apparently some wind came and took psyche away to some palace where she was waited on by invisible servants, and at night her future (also invisible) husband came and said he would only ever come visit her at night and all im saying is i THINK psyche may have eaten some funky mushrooms on top of that mountain, this makes no sense whatsoever
(invisihusband. ghost butt. spectral erection)
then psyche got homesick (in spite of gettin oodles of spooky ghost dick) and her husband let her sisters come visit her
her sisters got mad jealous of how psyche was living the high life and having tons of awesome invisible sex (god, im sorry to be so fixated on this, but imagine how weird that must have looked if you saw it happening. like you wouldnt be able to see the dude so itd just be . WEIRD i mean THINK about it . anyways)
so they told her 'hey your husbands actually a monster and hes just tryin to fatten u up to eat u, kill his ass'
psyche tried to, but failed for stupid reasons i wont get into
also her husband was CUPID i cant believe i didnt make that connection sooner
lord i can only hope that this was like. the Hot version of cupid, where he was a nubile young fellow as opposed to a FAT F*CKING BABY, IMAGINE A FATASS F*CKING BABY INVISI-NAILING THIS HOT CHICK. NO THANK YOU, NO F*CKING THANK YOU
anyways cupid bailed, like an asshole, and after some weird shit involving ants and river gods (apparently), psyche married cupid and was made a goddess the end
ur welcome for that image of invisible fat baby sex, by the way
uhhh the greatest love story ever told . um. okay this is overwhelming
i dont really know many great love stories, and im tempted to just talk about homestuck, but instead ill talk about myself and starscream
okay so theres this transformer named starscream and hes a decepticon and hes always trying to overthrow lord megatron and become leader of the decepticons and stuff and basically hes just a whiny screechy cowardly little BITCH and i HATE him and his STUPID voice and his STUPID face but at the same time i love him because hes so horrible and i wanna kiss his dumb idiot robot mouth
then he can turn into a plane and we can ride around and f*ck shit up (why do i censor the f word but not shit. im so edgy)
look at my husband
look at his stupid f*cking face. look at it . i wanna punch it and i wanna kiss it
(what an accurate caption)
(to any of my friends who guessed that i would write about starscream, congratulations . u know my shame very very well)
Preach it. Preach it hard.
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