Garden of Eden

Okay, so here's how all this creation stuff went down according to Genesis. God just up and created the Earth and Heaven one day. Why? Who knows! God ain't gotta explain himself to you. But anyways, it was all dumb and boring. So then God made light, and land, and plants, and seasons, and the sun and the moon and stars, and then birds and fish and land mammals, and finally humans. Then he patted himself on the back, because WHOA MAN, he just created EVERYTHING. In SIX DAYS. I'd pat myself on the back after that too. So then God made a huge garden thing with a tree of knowledge in the center and stuck the one dude he'd made in it. "Yo Adam," God said, "Don't eat the fruit from the knowledge tree. It'll F you up." Then God made Adam name literally every animal. But Adam was lonely, so God knocked that punk out, ripped out a rib (ouch, wtf God?!), and made a lady. And then some snake convinced Eve to eat and Knowledge Apple, and she gave one to Adam too. Then God got pissed and cursed the snake to crawl around, and cursed women to painful childbirth and serving man, and cursed man to hard labor or something. Then he made them wear clothes and kicked them out of the Garden.

Okay, first off, this is sexist as heck. It's basically saying that every hardship we have is a woman's fault, because women are weaker-willed and should therefore serve men. Seriously? Not to get all controversial here, but that's a load of BS. Also, ya got a big obvious gap here with evolution and whatnot. I could go on and on with the analysis, but everyone's heard all this so many times, considering Genesis is apparently so fun to rip apart and analyze to death. The main thing you should get out of all this is that God thinks ignorance is bliss (hence the withholding of the fruit of knowledge).

My origins have nothing to do with Genesis. I was created not by God himself, but by two people from Michigan, through a process I'd rather not think about ever. I had pretty much no religious upbringing apart from my parents handing me an illustrated children's Bible once I learned how to read and told me to figure it out myself. I also... saw a snake get chopped up by a lawnmower once? ...Yeah, I don't know where this exercise is supposed to be going, so I'm just gonna stop before I dig myself any deeper.