apples are for chumps anyways *skates off on heelies*

I didn't title this 'Garden of Eden' or some variation thereof because everyone else seems to be doing that, and variety is rad.

(if the word vagina offends you run away now)

Alright, so. A brief summary: God created the heaven and the earth and all of its various accoutrements over the course of 6 days. Initially, all was fine and dandy. He created the first man, Adam, in his own image, and then, out of Adam's rib (??? how does this even work.) he created Eve, the first woman, and also Adam's wife. Therein lies a problematic designation of the woman as belonging to the man, but that's a whole other issue that I won't bother tackling here. Oh, and these two naked jaybirds pranced about in the Garden of Eden, along with the tree of knowledge and a serpent. God warned them not to eat the fruit of the tree of knowledge (curiously never designated as an apple - I've never read the Bible, so this came as a surprise to me) because "for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die." In layman's terms, "lol u gon be fricked son". Too bad that aforementioned serpent was apparently a misogynistic slimeball and decided it'd be a good idea into tricking Eve into eating the forbidden fruit and therefore making a woman DA ORIGINAL SINNA. (man women just heck everything up am i right ladies) In doing so, she single-handedly ruined everything for everyone ever, especially owners of vaginas, because God threw a fit and decided to curse those without penises to suffer through the agony of childbirth. Also, wives are ruled by their husbands. This is highly sucky and problematic. And yeah, after that, Adam and Eve were exiled from the garden of Eden and kept out by a sweet flaming sword. 

tl;dr thx 4 that original sin eve, u da bes!! ! !! u go grl (:

My analysis is that the Bible makes me uncomfortable and childbirth is gross and frightening. Snakes are mean and it's pretty much consistently sucked to own a vagina ever since the creation of humanity. 

My own origins are something I detailed rather dramatically in my first draft of that Common App college essay assignment we had. Basically, I was born really, really early and was supposed to die as a baby. If not that, I would live and be mentally challenged and either blind or have really bad vision. But I'm okay, so that's cool. I also really like apple juice, so I guess that says something about vagina owners just having a penchant for apple related things. I'm not sure how else to draw a comparison between Genesis and myself, other than the fact that Eve ruined childbirth forever and my mom had a heck of a hard time while she was in labor with me. I was a c-section, though, so I guess she never really gave /birth/ to me. Oh, well.

(Please don't think I'm a snarky jerk Ms. Whitman I'm sorry if I seem rude or sarcastic but I like to have fun with these blog posts ahhh  h  h. .. .. . *heelies off quietly into the night*)