fleece.
the joke is fleece
(the joke is my sense of humor and just my life in general. yeah)
ive pretty much completely forsaken any sense of seriousness with these (mostly im thinking of my typing style) but HEY its rude to judge people based on how they type
i could type completely sans capitalization/punctuation/etc etc and still be making a good point
(given that this is one of my blog posts, however, you should probs just expect dick jokes)
so jason had to go retrieve this golden fleece from the city of colchis, said fleece being owned by a dude named king aeetes and being guarded by a sleepless serpent (ooooh alliteration woah)
he banded together a bunch of brave dudes in order to retrieve this magical piece of fabric. just think about that for a second
fabric
this is FABRIC they are risking their lives for
sigh
and women are criticized for being shallow... barf
the ship that they set sail on was called argo, and, being REALLY CREATIVE, they were like 'ey lets call our band of merry men the argonauts' (because this was ancient greece or whatever they were all probably boning each other while on that ship. i mean . who ELSE were they gonna bone . have fun with that image) ((oh they were also maybe seasick too. mmmm . tasty))
as they neared colchis apparently there were these two giant rocks flanking the little inlet they had to sail through that would crush whatever ship sailed between them (depending on whether or not u interpret those rocks as phallic symbols or like . a giant stone vagina, u can interpret this as u will. im just gonna make a joke about ROCK HARD DICKS. YEAH !!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! rock out w/ ur cock out etc etc)
to test this cock crushing theory jason sent a bird to go fly through the rocks
thankfully though the bird (a dove, if ur wondering) just got its tail feathers stuck
so jason thought 'wow this is a good sign' and sailed on thru but the back end of his boat got crushed. what a shame, that boats booty was so fly
when they finally got to colchis the king was like 'no u cant have my special fabric unless u pass this test'
apparently this test was to plant a field of dragon teeth, plow that field with fire breathing bulls, and then the teeth would grow into an army of men that he would have to fight
that is literally the most metal f*cking thing ive ever heard and if you dont think so too /get out/
because this is a myth love at first sight is a thing and the kings daughter medea fell in love with jason, and since she was a syck wytch (or a sorceress, if ur goin for the lame terminology) she cheated and helped him pass the test. she gave him a super special lotion (oh my) and told him to ...
throw a rock in the middle of the army so that theyd fight each other??? what???? how does that even work
its like the old 'hey look up there' trick where ur fighting someone and u point up in the sky and when they look u punch em thats so DUMB why did that WORK
ugh whatever
basically jason passed the tests thanks to this woman who loved him (see. men are nothing without women . nothing . bow . bOW) ((joke)) and just . took the fleece and went home
left poor medea stranded and pining . what a dick
um a story of love and revenge
oOH THIS IS A CHANCE TO TALK ABOUT HOMESTUCK god bless
ummmm okay well this will sound more like a fanfic than anything but oKAY
so
im just going to rattle off names here nobody cares anyways so i can just talk to myself and have fun
okay so bro got killed by bec noir right
and dave found out about it and was . understandably really upset
and wow i just . wow i just want dave to find bec noir (even though bec is kind of. kind of a good guy now??? idk hes not THE most evil villain in the comic at the moment... idk) and just
kill em . stab him so many times
because DAVE LOVED/LOVES HIS BROTHER AND HES GOTTA AVENGE HIS DEATH
heck yeah . H*CK YEAH
also when rose tried to fight bec noir for killing her mom but just ended up getting herself killed. that was sad (and john trying to avenge his dad... man . every kid dies trying to avenge their murdered guardians.)
(except jade. jade just had to live wondering whether her grandpa either shot himself in the head or was killed by a creepy doll for most of her life. and thats really upsetting)
h hh hh HHQHHQAWHHWA HUGgg Gg im so rry
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