Esau and that Backstabbing Motherfricker

Still following Abraham's line on down, we reach the story in which is son Isaac has become middle-aged, and is finally getting hitched! But his new wife, Rebekah, is... infertile. Can't spawn the Jewish nation with an infertile wife. So Isaac begs God to give his wife some babies, and he relents, granting Rebekah with twins. When she wonders why they're kicking so dang hard in there, God just replies "two nations are in thy womb, and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels; and the one people shall be stronger than the other people; and the elder shall serve the younger." So I guess Rebekah just kinda deals with that statement and gives birth later. First out is Esau, closely followed my Jacob, who has grabbed Esau's ankle like "yooo wait for me!" So yeah, they grow up, and Esau becomes a mighty hunter! And Jacob just kinda sits there being boring. One day, Esau stumbles back from a long hunting trip dying of hunger, and asks his brother for some food which Jacob has just sitting around. But Jacob, the sneaky little s***, decides that this is his perfect chance and declares that he'll give his bro some food if Esau gives up his birthright and inheritance as firstborn to Jacob. Esau, who was not in the best mental state at the time, readily agreed and good his food. Worth it.

This whole story makes me really mad, because it's saying that firstborn sons are super-special and get all the wealth and power and that your birthright is super important. Why did no one tell me that! I'm a firstborn son, so where's my wealth and power?! No, both my parents like my little sister better, because she has more "charm" and "ambition," and "doesn't have terrible grades from freshman year on her permanent transcript." Maybe that's the moral here: just like Esau, deserving and awesome firstborns are always cheated by vile younger siblings. Seriously, Esau's way better than Jacob. Jacob sits around and makes stew, while Esau HUNTS like a MAN. Jacob marries some infertile chick with a weirdly-spelled name, while Esau marries TWO smokin' hot natives (yeaahhh I see you bruh~)! I guess this goes to show that, whether or not we come out on top, legitimate firstborns like ME are by far the superior beings on this planet.